The People Around You Are Influencing Your Life – Whether You Notice It or Not
Have you ever spent an hour with someone and walked away feeling completely drained? Nothing particularly dramatic happened. Nobody shouted. Nobody threw a chair. Nobody even stole your last biscuit.
And yet…
You leave the conversation feeling heavier than when you arrived.
Then there are those other people. You spend an hour with them and suddenly you are laughing, dreaming, making plans and wondering why you don’t do that thing you’ve been talking about for the last three years.
Same you. Different company.
Interesting, isn’t it?
We are influenced by the people we spend time with
I don’t believe we should go through life labelling people as positive or negative and then dramatically crossing the street when we see someone having a bad day.
We all have bad days. We all complain sometimes. We all have moments when life gets the better of us.
I’ve certainly had mine.
The question isn’t: “Are the people around me positive enough?” Perhaps a better question is: “What happens to me when I regularly spend time in this environment?”
Because the people around us can influence the way we think, what we talk about, what we believe is possible and even what we expect from life.
And sometimes, we don’t notice it happening.
So how might this show up in everyday life?
I’m not talking about someone who is going through a difficult season… Life happens.
I’m talking about a repeated pattern where almost everything is viewed through the lens of what’s wrong, what’s impossible, who’s to blame or what is going to go badly next.
You might recognise some of these situations.
Everything becomes a problem.
You suggest going for a walk. “It’s too cold.” You suggest tomorrow. “It will probably rain.” You suggest somewhere indoors. “It’s too expensive.” Eventually you stop making suggestions.
Not because you don’t care, but because you’ve learned that every solution will simply produce another problem.
Every conversation turns into a complaint!
You meet for coffee. You ask how their week has been.
Twenty minutes later you know about their neighbour, their boss, their partner, their bank, the government, the weather and the person who looked at them funny in the supermarket.
And somehow you’re now involved in all of it. You didn’t even have a coffee yet.
Someone always has someone else to blame. Nothing is ever their responsibility. The boss, their partner, their family, the economy, their childhood, their bad luck is the problem.
And sometimes, of course, those things genuinely are difficult or unfair. However, if everything is always outside our control, we eventually give away something incredibly important: Our ability to do something about it.
And then you have the good news that gets turned into bad news…
You share something exciting. “I’ve started a new business!”, and their response is “Yeah, but businesses are really difficult.” You happily share “I’ve booked a holiday!”, and their response is “Must be nice to have that kind of money.” And my favorite one: “I’ve met someone.”, and you hear them saying “Let’s see how long that lasts.”
You begin to notice that every little spark of excitement seems to get covered with a damp blanket. And eventually… You stop sharing.
The danger isn't them. It's what happens to you.
This is the part I think we often overlook. Someone else’s mindset isn’t necessarily your responsibility. But your exposure to it is something you can become more conscious of.
If you regularly spend time listening to why everything is impossible, you may eventually start seeing more impossibility yourself.
If everyone around you talks about money as something scarce, you may become more fearful about money.
If everyone constantly talks about how awful people are, you may become more suspicious of people.
If everyone expects relationships to fail, you may start expecting yours to fail too.
If everyone laughs at people who dream big, you might eventually decide that dreaming big is embarrassing.
Not because anyone sat you down and told you what to believe. But because repetition is powerful. What we hear repeatedly can start to sound like truth.
And then something even more subtle happens...
You adapt. Humans are remarkably good at adapting to our environment.
I actually remember feeling proud of the fact that I could adapt to almost any situation. I saw it as a strength. That was until I started recognising that, sometimes, by adapting, I wasn’t being true to myself.
I started changing the way I spoke and even the words I used. I stopped talking about my dreams because I knew I would be met with an eye roll. I stopped celebrating my wins because someone would find a reason to minimise them. I stopped trying new things because I’d heard so many reasons why they wouldn’t work.
I became smaller.
Quieter.
More cautious.
And perhaps the saddest part?
I eventually convinced myself that I was simply “becoming realistic.”
“Maybe it just isn’t meant for me.”
“Maybe I’m expecting too much.”
“Maybe I should just be happy with what I’ve got.”
However, somewhere underneath all of that, I had this little inner voice whispering to me: “This isn’t you.”
And slowly, I started to realise something. Maybe I wasn’t becoming more realistic. Maybe I had simply spent so much time around limitations that I had started to forget what possibility felt like.
That realisation was uncomfortable. Because it meant I couldn’t keep blaming my environment. I had to start looking at my own choices.
- What was I listening to?
- What was I allowing to influence me?
- What conversations was I repeatedly participating in?
And, perhaps most importantly… Who was I becoming because of it?
That last question changed a lot for me. Because this isn’t about pointing fingers at people and deciding who is “good” or “bad” for us. It’s about becoming conscious.
It’s about recognising that we can love someone, care about someone and still realise that we need different boundaries around what we allow into our minds.
Not because we’re against them. Because we’re finally choosing to be FOR ourselves.
And I think there’s a big difference.
This isn't about abandoning people
This is important.
I’m not suggesting we should abandon anyone who is struggling. Quite the opposite.
Some of the people we love most will go through difficult periods, and they may need our compassion, patience and support. And sometimes we are the person who needs that support.
There is a huge difference between: “I’m having a difficult time.” and “Everything is always terrible and nothing can ever change.”
One is a human experience. The other can become a way of living. And we don’t have to judge either one.
We simply need to become aware of what we are participating in.
So what can we actually do?
1. Notice how you feel after spending time with someone
This is one of my favourite little self-awareness exercises.
After spending time with someone, ask yourself: How do I feel now? Energised? Inspired? Peaceful? Seen? Or exhausted, anxious, irritated and completely flat?
Don’t judge the person. Just notice your experience. Awareness gives you information.
Want to become more conscious of what – and who – is influencing you?
Sometimes we don’t need another piece of advice. We simply need to pause long enough to notice what’s actually going on.
That’s why I created The Pause-and-Reconnect Checklist – a simple resource to help you step back from the noise, check in with yourself, and reconnect with what matters to you.
The Pause-and-Reconnect Checklist
Slow down, pause, and reconnect with what matters. Enter your details below and I'll send the checklist straight to your inbox.
2. Stop participating in every negative conversation
You don’t have to argue. You don’t have to lecture anyone about mindset. And please don’t suddenly announce: “I’m sorry, but your vibration is no longer compatible with mine.”
You can simply change the subject. Ask a different question. Bring the conversation towards something constructive.
Or, sometimes, say: “I understand why you’re frustrated. What do you think you could do about it?”
That one question can change an entire conversation.
3. Protect your dreams while they’re still growing
Not everybody needs access to every dream you have.
Some dreams are tiny little seeds. They don’t need ten people standing around explaining why the garden won’t work.
Find people who can listen. People who ask questions. People who encourage you to think.
People who can tell you the truth without making you feel foolish for dreaming.
4. Deliberately spend time with people who expand you
Look for people who make you think: “Maybe I could…”
People who laugh, who learn, who try, who take responsibility, who can admit, “I got that wrong.” without saying “I’m obviously the stupid one here so guess I got that wrong.”
People who celebrate your success without making it about themselves, and people who don’t need life to be perfect before they allow themselves to enjoy it.
Those people are precious. Keep them close.
5. Become that person for someone else
This might be the most important part.
Don’t simply ask: “Who is influencing me?” Ask: “Who am I influencing?”
Because whether we realise it or not, we are somebody else’s environment too.
When someone spends time with you, do they leave feeling smaller? Or do they leave remembering that life still holds possibilities? Do they feel judged or understood?
Do they feel that their problems are bigger, or that perhaps they are more capable than they thought?
We don’t have to be relentlessly cheerful. That isn’t real life.
We can be honest about the difficult stuff while still believing that difficult doesn’t mean impossible.
Choose what makes you feel more alive
I have become increasingly conscious of this in my own life. I don’t want to spend my precious time pretending that everything is wonderful.
I want real conversations. I want honesty. I want laughter. I want people who can sit with me when life is messy and still remind me that the mess isn’t the whole story. I want people who challenge me to grow rather than convince me to stay comfortable. And I want to be that person for others too.
Having said all of that, I still find myself in environments that drain me. And, if I’m being completely honest, I’m sure I sometimes drain other people too.
None of us gets it right all the time. However, the more conscious and aware we become of our environment – and of ourselves – the more choice we have.
We can notice. We can pause. We can adjust. We can improve.
Nothing will ever be perfect, and I don’t think that’s the goal. Perhaps the goal is simply improvement.
Because ultimately, this isn’t about avoiding people who are struggling. It isn’t about thinking we’re somehow better because we have a more positive outlook. And it certainly isn’t about judging someone else’s journey.
It’s about taking responsibility for the environment we create around ourselves.
You get to choose what you listen to, and which conversations you participate in. You get to choose what you repeatedly expose your mind to, and what kind of person you want to become.
So perhaps the question isn’t: “Who should I avoid?” Perhaps it’s: “Who helps me become more alive, more courageous, more grateful and more myself?”
And then there’s the really uncomfortable question: “Am I that person for the people around me?” Now that is something worth thinking about.
What if you paused before you changed anything?
Maybe you don’t need to cut people out, or have a difficult conversation. Maybe you don’t need to make any dramatic decisions at all, but simply pause and notice.
Notice how you feel , what you’re listening to, what you’re thinking and believing. Notice who you become in different environments… Because awareness creates choice. And choice creates the possibility for change.
And if you’re not sure where to start… Start by pausing.
I’ve created The Pause-and-Reconnect Checklist to help you do exactly that. It’s free, simple and designed to help you step away from the noise for a few minutes and reconnect with you.
Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can do isn’t to change everyone around us. It’s to come back to ourselves.
GET THE FREE PAUSE-AND-RECONNECT CHECKLIST, simply enter your name and your email address below and it will be delivered right into your inbox.
The Pause-and-Reconnect Checklist
Slow down, pause, and reconnect with what matters. Enter your details below and I'll send the checklist straight to your inbox.
And I would LOVE TO HEAR BACK FROM YOU, and what you discover through pausing and reconnecting with yourself. Drop a comment below or send me an email. Whatever feels best for you.
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